Aah, marriage...
...Complete with a wedding, the honeymoon, and then...
Everything they ever told me about marriage at home, in my religion, in the locker room, my family science class, and every sitcom I ever watched was to say the least, quite far afield from the actual subjective experience of my own marriage once it materialized. Every one of my pre-conceptions of marriage involved a dissociated image of myself with my future wife and kids, which was associated only by warm and fuzzy feelings. Marriage is dissociated imagined experience right up until you're in one, then you finally discover all the realities that come from being associated in the experience! As long as marriage was dissociated and in my future, I knew that I would not make the same mistakes as everyone else in the world. Once I was associated into a marriage of my own, I experienced the ecstacy, frustration, clarity and confusion of marriage for myself. All the jokes about marriage suddenly took on a more visceral aspect.
A second major realization about marriage was that my own subjective experience of marriage was completely different than that of my wife. In essence, we didn't share a common marriage, there was her version, and his (for those readers of same-gender marriage, I'm sure you can make the leap in my meaning to your own situation here).
I laugh and cry at and with people who confess to spending more time doing homework when buying a car than in finding a mate. It's funny, seriously! When I ask why didn't you do more homework before going into a life-long contract with your spouse, the usual answer is they didn't know how. So this article is about the how or the structure behind what works before and after the wedding.
So how can NLP help leading up to, and after the wedding? How can NLP help marriages to not only survive, but thrive? Let's exercise several basic NLP premises:
- Nominalization is Really Process!
- States Change!
- Know What You Want!
- Check Ecology!
- Sharpen Your Sensory Acuity!
- The Meaning of Communication is the Response You Get!
- If Something is Not Working, Try Something Else!
- Bonus Advice (keep reading to find out)
Let's take these one-at-a-time, shall we?
Nominalization is Really Process
To set the frame for the rest of the ideas to follow know that marriages are a process, and not a thing. Marriages do not exist in the real world. Marriages are a an ongoing concern, a living expression of two people sharing (or not) their dreams, agendas, goals, frustrations, feelings, conversations, silences, attitudes, mistakes, offenses, defenses, quirks, joy, anxiety, pain, etc., etc. Each of these expressions are processes and strategies in themselves, and no expression is exactly alike across couples, or even across time for the same couple.
The main point here is that the person you married is really a stranger to some degree, no matter how well you thought you knew them. Replacing preconceptions with curiousity as you continue to get to know your fiance or spouse goes much further and deeper than becoming complacently assuming about them.
States Change
The state you were in before breakfast is not the same as the state you were in after a big lunch. Energy, attention, interests, moods and priorities shift around dozens of times each day, not to mention in the span of weeks, months or years. Feelings of love wax and want, and our partners become more or less attractive depending on their state and our own. Really observe this in yourself and your partner, and accept it as you would accept the tide.
The better you get to know all your states and those of your partner, the better equipped you are to pace and lead yourself and your partner to a better state, or get out of the way when necessary. Part of knowing your states is also to notice the triggers that evoke states in yourself and your partner. This way, you can use your NLP skills to change behaviors and the environment to support more resourceful states. With skill, you can learn to lengthen the peaks and shorten the valleys.
Know What You Both Want
Until you know what you value in life and in a partner, feel free to date but do not get married. Otherwise, alignment of identity, beliefs and values happens purely by accident. Too many people go their whole lives living a miserable marriage because they did not take the time or did not know how to get in touch with and really vivify their identities, beliefs and values.
NLP always starts with a well-formed outcome, then achieving that outcome is just a matter of time and energy.
Check Ecology
Ecology goes far beyond taking your fiance to meet your parents, two intelligent beings are forming a merger, and to he (or she) who sees the future most clearly will go the spoils. Some NLP questions come to mind in better seeing all aspects of the future: 1) what will happen if we do this? 2) what will happen if we don't do this? 3) what won't happen if we do this? 4) what won't happen if we don't do this?
Ask these questions to yourself and your partner, and together you'll better know if you go forward, or just remain friends.
Sharpen Your Sensory Acuity
Nothing is more indicative in the long-term happiness of a marriage quite like the quality of attending to the needs of the other, moment to moment, day to day, and year to year. When the quality of attending to the other suffers, then so does the marriage. Note that attending is a very special verb, and process. You know it when you see it in action.
To attend to your needs and your partner's, you first need to notice those needs. Neurolinguistic Programming stresses ongoing development of sensory acuity such that consciously noticing at the beginning eventually becomes unconsciously appropriate responses. This includes attending to responses in physiology, states, surroundings all to make yourself and your partner more comfortable together. There is more communication going on than what is verbalized, and to the really attentive the noise is reduced while the signals are strengthened.
The Meaning of Communication is the Response You Get
This NLP presupposition is a really good shared mantra for all couples. Given that our states fluctuate constantly and that we constantly move in and out of our personal trances, and owing to different backgrounds and communication styles, what we mean to say is never guaranteed to be taken the way we intended it to be.
Couples who allow the freedom to ask what the other person meant to say or convey not only avoid pain and lost time, but gain a richer understanding of the other person's map of reality. Asking for clarity is the ideal, but more often than not it needs to be cultivated. Acknowledge and thank your partner any time he or she asks for more clarity, and giving you the chance to update what you said, or even update your own meaning of what was said.
If Something is Not Working, Try Something Else
The way we relate to our parents, to our bosses, to children, neighbors and strrangers does not always work with a spouse. Keep this in mind as you individualize your approach to your spouse.
I knew a couple who regarded their marriage as a laboratory. They were constantly trying out new ideas for relating in fresh ways. Sometimes they consulted books and friends for new ideas, but their real secret weapon was just observing what made the other person smile, and sometimes they just asked the other. Novel idea!
If you need to talk, and the other person needs space right now, try inviting the other person to take the time they need, and let you know when they are ready for the talk. Honor the needs of both, and eventually the time will come to be heard... fully.
Never Do NLP ON Your Partner, Do NLP WITH Your Partner
It goes without saying that if you or your spouse use NLP to manipulate or coerce the other into doing something they don't want or agree to do willingly, you are inflicting real damage on your intimacy and trust. Don't say I didn't warn you!
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